TWEENS07 Truth Versus Fiction
by A Rhea King
Summary: Kitchen raid! The prank war returns. Leave it to kids and dogs to find hidden things. Trip and crew get tossed in jail for a bar fight. Trip up to his usual crazy engineering style.
1. Raid

Chapter 7 : Truth Versus Fiction  
By A. Rhea King

_Raid (1)_

* * *

(Based on a true story…)

..

The halls were quiet at two a.m. Friday morning. In an alcove created by a section joint, Ensigns Clarkson, Mayweather and Sato, still in their pajamas, were huddled against the wall. The three were whispering and trying not to laugh.

"Sorry I'm late," Lieutenant Monroe said as she came around the corner.

"Ready?" Travis asked them.

"Ready," they answered.

The four hurried through the halls, trying to avoid visual sensors along the way. They came to the mess hall door and continued to the back of the galley. They stopped at a walk-in freezer in the kitchen and Lieutenant Monroe entered the security code on the door. She pulled the door open and Ensigns Mayweather and Sato trotted in to collect two pints of ice cream at the back. The four walked to a counter in the middle of the kitchen, pulling stools up to it. Ensign Pierson retrieved four spoons and handed them out. The four dug into the pints of ice cream, swapping stories in low voices and trying to keep their laughter quiet.

#

Hoshi eyed the Captain's ready room door. Occasionally she'd glance at Travis, but he was careful not to appear to be interested in the ready room.

The door opened and Chef stormed to the lift. Hoshi quickly turned her attention to her work.

"Hoshi."

Hoshi turned. Her heart leapt into her throat when she found Archer standing on the other side of the railing of her station.

"Yes, sir?" she inquired calmly.

"Open the ship's COM, please," Archer said, smiling as he turned and leaned against the railing.

"Go ahead, sir," Hoshi said.

"This is your captain," Archer said, trying not to laugh. "Last night some crewmen raided the galley for ice cream. This apparently has happened twice before and it will come to a stop. Any crewmen caught helping themselves to an unauthorized midnight snack will be reprimanded. Archer out."

Archer turned to Hoshi, finding she had already turned back to work. Archer leaned on the railing.

"Hoshi."

"Yes, Captain?" Hoshi asked, turning around.

Archer noticed a slight flush in Hoshi's cheeks.

"Send the message that's waiting to Starfleet."

"Yes, sir."

Archer didn't look away or move. Hoshi smiled.

"Is that all, sir?" Hoshi asked.

"Is there something you would like to tell me, Ensign?"

"No, sir."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, sir."

"And you know nothing about the ice cream raid, I suppose?"

"No, sir."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, sir. I only know what you've just announced to the ship, sir."

"Are you feeling well? You look flushed."

"I find it amusing, sir. I'm sorry. I shouldn't."

Archer smiled as he lifted his chin. "I wish I had your poker face, Ensign."

"Yes, sir," Hoshi replied with a pleasant smile.

Archer turned, almost missing Travis wiping the grin off his face. Archer held his laughter until he was back in the privacy of his ready room.

Hoshi and Travis exchanged smiles before Hoshi turned back to her work.


	2. Vindictive

_Vindictive (2)_

Amanda woke when the door of her quarters woke. She sat up, watching Trip walk in.

"Hey," Trip whispered to her.

Amanda leaned on the edge of her bunk, looking at the bowl of warm water he was carrying.

"And this would be, sir?"

"Revenge." Trip crouched down and sat the bowl on the floor near Sherie's bed. "It was my turn before…well…before."

Amanda leaned over the side, watching him. Trip pulled Sherie's hand out from under her covers and placed her hand in the bowl. He stood, coming eye to eye with Amanda.

"I'm glad to see things are a little more back to normal, sir." Amanda said, smiling sympathetically at him.

Trip looked down. "This helps," he whispered.

"Would you like a full report in the morning, sir?" Amanda whispered.

"It's your neck. You decide." Trip smiled at her.

"You know, you're lucky she's a heavy sleeper, sir. Otherwise this whole revenge thing would prove to be overly challenging for you."

Trip grinned. "Good-night, Amanda."

"Good-night, sir." Amanda rolled over, listening to Trip leave.

#

Trip turned the corner, finding Amanda standing by the wall. He glanced back.

"The Cap'n's coming."

Amanda grabbed his arm and pulled him into an access tunnel.

"Well?" Trip asked.

"Was she supposed to pee the bed?"

Trip laughed. "I always wondered if it really worked. Was she mad?"

"Well, she did. She changed the sheets and went to work. Didn't say much about it, but that could mean she's plotting, too."

"Probably plotting."

Amanda laughed. "You two are terrible, sir."

"Yes, but I'm enjoying this. I haven't met many junior officers that would go up against a senior officer like this. I truly admire her gall."

"It has made mornings interesting in my quarters. Good-day, sir." Amanda opened the door. Archer stood in the hall with his hands on his hips and blocking her way.

"Cap'n," Trip said with a smile. "I was looking for you. Heard you wanted to see me about somethin'."

"So, Amanda, what did he do to your roommate this time?" Archer asked her.

"Made her pee the bed."

"And it doesn't bother you that he's coming into your quarters in the middle of the night?"

"No, sir. Should it?"

Archer tried to think of a good, authoritative reply. By the time he thought up something, Trip had already dismissed Amanda and was standing against the wall waiting for him to speak.

"I'm selling you two." Archer turned, walking away. "And Amanda too. And everyone else that's helping you two. Then I'm going to go buy new, obedient officers. Ones that respect me and honor me and respect me."

"You're really wanting that much respect?"

Archer stopped before turning down another hall and looked back at him. "I am your captain. A little respect is all I ask."

"We respect you, Cap'n. Just not each other. There's a difference."

"Uh-huh. Just be warned, Trip. If your pranks cause any problems I'm putting you both in the brig for a week."

"A week? That's kinda harsh for a backfired prank, Cap'n."

Archer narrowed his eyes at Trip and then walked off. Trip grinned.


	3. Old Dogs and Children

_Old Dogs and Children (3)_

Trip tried not to smile. He could hear Navta, Eartik and Porthos sneaking up behind him, but he decided to play along. Porthos barked suddenly.

"Nishta!" Navta laughed, sweeping the dog up in her arms.

Trip looked back, watching the children run up to him and sit down on the floor beside him. Eartik got on his hands and knees and peered into the darkness of the access panel. Porthos yipped excitedly, struggling against Navta's hold. Navta let him go and he squirmed into the hole under Eartik, trying to lick the boy's face.

"PORTHOS!" Eartik laughed, pushing him away.

Porthos stopped and leaned into the space, sniffing around it. Porthos looked up and barked. Eartik looked up too, slowly turning his head to look at something

"What are you doing?" Navta asked Trip.

"Fixing something that broke."

"Oh." Navta smiled at Trip.

"There's a light flashing up there," Eartik said, leaning even further into the access panel opening.

"There are a lot of lights flashing in there."

"There's a yellow light, Trip. I've never seen a yellow one like that."

"Maybe it's a one eyed monster," Trip said, picking up a tool beside him and turning a knob that was depressed in the part.

Eartik looked back at Trip. "A one eyed monster?"

"Mm-hm. A Cyclops."

"There's no monsters on Enterprise, Trip," Navta laughed.

"Yes there are. You haven't seen me first thing in the morning." Trip leaned toward her and roared.

Both children laughed. Navta got on her knees and leaned into the opening.

"Flashy, flashy goes the yellow light," Eartik said.

"The yellow flashing one eyed monster?" Trip asked.

Trip heard someone coming and looked up. Ensign Hoshi and Lieutenant Porter were walking down the hall toward him. Trip nodded once to them before turning back to the part in his hands. Hoshi stopped beside Trip, looking at the three hind ends in front of Trip.

"Some view, huh?" Trip laughed.

"Do you have enough help, sir? I could call for more if you needed it," Hoshi joked.

"I think I have more than enough. Porthos is the handiest one of all."

"There's a number thingy up here," Eartik said.

"A number thingy?" Trip asked. He blew out an opening on the part in his hand and turned it over to work on the other side.

"Yeah. It's got red numbers on it."

"Yeah. And what's it doing?"

"Well…I don't know."

"The numbers keep changing," Navta answered.

"Do they? And what are they changing too?"

"Big numbers."

"Big red changing numbers and a yellow flashing one eyed monster. See any gremlins in there?"

Hoshi chuckled. She crouched down, listening to the conversation.

"What are gremlins?" Eartik moved further into the opening. Porthos inched forward with the boy.

"Yes. What are gremlins, Commander?" Hoshi asked.

"Well, see, there's lots of gremlins." Trip smiled at Hoshi. "Have a particular one in mind you wanted to know about?"

"Gremlins are a fictitious monster of human myth," T'Pol's voice replied.

Trip and Hoshi looked back. T'Pol was standing behind them, watching the scene.

"Are these numbers supposed to change like that?" Navta asked.

Trip sighed. "You two are going to make me crawl in there and look, aren't you?"

"No." Eartik disappeared into the opening.

"Eartik!" Trip grabbed for his foot and missed. Trip laughed, watching Porthos follow him into the opening.

Navta sat back on her legs, looking at Trip. "He's not supposed to be in there, is he?"

"No."

"Eartik, come out of there," Navta ordered. "You're gonna get us in trouble with K'pan again today."

"And Trip," Trip added.

Eartik climbed out with Porthos right behind. Both boy and dog were streaked with grime.

"Well? What you see?" Trip asked, resting his elbows on his knees.

"There's a box with three sets of numbers on it that keep changing and a yellow light that goes flashy, flashy."

Trip frowned. "Are you sure, son?"

Eartik nodded. "Mm-hm."

Trip got on his hands and knees and leaned into the opening. "I don't see anything, kids."

Eartik crawled under Trip and pointed straight up. Trip leaned on his side, looking up. He spotted the device the two were talking about.

"What the…Eartik, get out."

Eartik climbed out.

"Hand me that wrist beacon, Eartik."

Eartik looked around him. T'Pol picked up the beacon and handed it to Eartik who handed it to Trip. Trip switched it on and shone it up at the device.

"What is that?" Trip climbed out and pulled off the panel above the bottom one. The device was within reach now.

T'Pol moved closer to the opening, examining the device as well.

"You kids run along," Trip said.

"Okay," The two said and ran off down the hall with Porthos barking at them.

Hoshi stood and followed the children.

Trip looked at T'Pol. "What's your thoughts?"

"It appears to be tracking our coordinates. It may also be transmitting the coordinates to someone or somewhere."

"This ain't suppose' to be here," Trip said.

"I concur," T'Pol replied

Trip moved across the hall and pushed the companel button. "Trip to Cap'n Archer."

"Go ahead," Archer said.

"Sir, I think you and Lieutenant Reed should come down to deck E, section 12. Eartik and Navta found something that isn't supposed to be here."

"On our way," Archer replied.

Trip moved back to the opening to wait for them with T'Pol.


	4. I Will Survive

_I Will Survive (4)_

Trip, Malcolm, Lieutenant Luke Anderson, Ensigns Eddy Westgard, Michael Ellsworth and Travis Mayweather moved as a loose line in and out of the aliens in the crowded market. They were in awe of the sights, sounds and smells that surrounded them.

"There it is," Eddy said, pointing down the street.

They six stepped through a door into a loud bar. A mixture of aliens crowded in the bar and it was Travis' sharp eyes that spotted a table at the back. The six walked toward it and began to sit down. Trip almost fell over when someone shoved his shoulder. He turned to the alien behind him, offering a smile. The alien punched him, the force sending Trip flying across the table and crashing into Eddy. Both men fell to the floor. Trip turned to get up as a pair of hands grabbed his shoulders, yanking him to his feet. Trip turned in time to see a fist flying at his face. He ducked, slamming his fist into the ribs of alien that had him by the shoulder. Eddy collected himself fast enough to face off the first alien that was stomping in Trip's direction. A fight between Trip's men and the aliens escalated until it had the entire bar in a brawl.

"Whose idea was this?" Trip asked himself as he backed away from two aliens advancing on him.

"Mine, sir," Travis replied, rushing up to his side to even the odds.

The alien charged them. The two grabbed a chair each and brought the chairs crashing across the alien's heads. Trip turned and froze, slowly raising his hands in response to the phaser rifle shoved in his face. The alien on the other end spoke in a language the communicator in Trip's sleeve pocket understood.

"Freeze," the alien ordered.

"Frozen," Trip replied.

The fight was quickly brought under control by what appeared to be the police here. Trip was pushed back into his crewmates. He watched the alien that had stopped him talk with the alien that had started the fight.

"Probably telling him bald face lies," Michael complained.

"Shh," Trip ordered.

They watched the group that had attacked them leave the bar. The alien policeman walked back to Trip with four more following him.

"Give me your names," he ordered.

"We're…uh…on shore leave," Trip asked.

"Really?" he asked in a belittling tone. "In that case, your names, your ship and your captain's name."

Trip sighed, starting to answer.

"Larry, Curly, Moe, Hewey, Dewey and Louie. Captain Vardee of the Diedra. She's visiting the Enterprise," Michael blurted.

"Got that?" the alien looked back at one who nodded once.

"Come with us," he motioned in the direction they were to walk with his rifle.

"We didn't start it!" Eddy protested. "That big thing punched Tr…Larry."

"That big thing happens to be my brother-in-law and that's his table which is why no one was sitting at it. Next time you six are on shore leave, think twice before sitting at an empty table in a bar full to the walls. NOW MOVE!"

The six obeyed.

#

Trip pulled another thread from the pillowcase in his hand.

"This cell is quite large," Malcolm thought out loud. "I wonder if it's not meant as a holding cell."

"Only you would think of something like that Malcolm," Trip said. "I can't believe you lied back there, Michael."

Michael was leaning against the opposite wall. He looked up, glaring at Trip. "I didn't want them to know we were from Enterprise! We're going to be in hot water as it is."

"Double now that you lied."

"I was just trying to help!" Michael stood, leaning toward Trip. "You could be a little grateful!"

"Grateful!" Trip sprung to his feet, stepping up to Michael. Since both men were of the same height they were eye to eye. "And how did lying help us? We'll be lucky if the Cap'n doesn't throw all six of us in the brig."

"We have a nice brig," Malcolm thought out loud.

"Won't throw you in the brig, Commander," Travis said.

"What?" Trip looked at Travis.

"You know he wouldn't," Michael added.

"I can't believe this!" Trip threw up his hands, walking over to the force field.

"He wouldn't throw you in either, Travis. You fly the ship," Eddy said.

Travis didn't comment.

"It sort of comes with rank, men," Eddy said.

"Course being pals with the Captain don't hurt, I'm sure," Michael jabbed at Trip.

"Now look here," Trip spun, pointing at Michael. "The Cap'n and I may be friends, but that won't stop him from throwing me in the brig with everyone else. Especially for this. He's going to be furious at me for not stopping you five. I'm the senior officer and I was supposed to be keeping us all out of trouble."

"You didn't start it!" Eddy pointed out. "Thy local laws brother-in-law did. Notice he's not in here."

"While this isn't a bad cell, ours have much nicer facilities," Malcolm mused.

"SHUT UP!" the five yelled at Malcolm.

They fell silent.

"This is an awfully large cell, you must admit," Malcolm said after a few minutes.

"Malcolm…put a sock in it," Trip snapped, sitting down on the bench next to him.

The six fell silent again. Trip laid his head back against the wall, closing his eyes. He was letting his mind work out an electrical problem back on the ship when he stopped his thoughts and listened. One of the men was humming quietly and it sounded familiar. Trip lifted his head, finding the culprit. Lieutenant Luke Anderson was sitting against the wall with his legs stretched out in front of him. He was staring down at his hands, tapping his thumbs together to the beat only he heard. He moved the toe of his shoe to the beat of the song he was humming. One by one the other four looked at Luke. He looked up, noticing they were staring him.

"Hi," Luke said with an awkward smile

"What are you humming?" Trip asked.

"A…ssssong."

"What song?" Travis asked.

An embarrassed smile spread across Luke's lips. He looked down. "It's an old song."

"What's the song?"

"I will survive."

"By Aretha Franklin. I remember that song," Eddy said.

"It's been redone so many times how could you remember that?" Michael asked.

"I like the original version myself," Luke commented.

"Have you heard the latest one?" Travis asked Eddy.

"Latest!" Eddy chuckled. "It was last redone twenty years ago."

"It was a remix. They played at this club I used to go to. It wasn't too bad. But I agree, sir." Travis looked at Luke. "The original is hard to beat.

"Hey, what was that movie that…" Michael started, looking up. "Man, it's been forever since I've seen it. Let's see. Oh! The football teams went on strike and they hire replacements and—"

"The Replacements," Trip, Eddy, Travis and Luke replied.

"Yeah. That's it," Michael laughed. "I just remembered that scene when they were in a holding cell and one started singing it and then they all started singing it and dancing." Michael laughed a little, looking down at his hands.

The cell was silent again. Luke began humming the song from the beginning. Eddy quietly sung the lyrics.

"Oh hell," Trip laughed, joining in with Eddy and enticing Luke to sing the words.

Travis and Eddy started singing. Eddy jumped up and started dancing and the five joined in.

"It's official. You're all daft," Malcolm told them.

"Shut up and dance!" Luke told him and went back to singing.

"No."

Travis and Luke latched onto Malcolm's arms, ignoring his protests. Malcolm started laughing, being pushed around until he was dancing with them.

The men laughed as they missed steps and ran into each other but kept singing and dancing.

"MEN!" Archer's voice bellowed.

The six spun around to face the front and hastily brought themselves to attention before Archer and Sista. Archer was leaning on the doorway frame staring at them. Sista stood in the hall outside the cell, watching the floor with her lips pressed into a tight.

"March, Larry, Curly, Moe, Hewey, Dewey and Louie." Archer motioned to the stairs.

Led by Luke the six silently filed past him toward the stairs. Luke stopped suddenly, looking over his shoulder at Trip with a devious smile.

"You know…we're already in trouble, Commander."

Trip smiled, shaking his head. "Ah hell! Go for it."

Luke clapped his hands together and they began singing as they danced up the stairs and through the door at the top.

"I'm going to send them back to Earth for a psyche evaluation," Archer told Sista.

She chuckled. "Laugh now while they no see you. Get back to ship you have to be mean k'pan."

Archer started laughing so hard he had to sit down on one of the benches in the cell and hold his stomach.


	5. Quiz Master

_Quiz Master (5)_

"Doctor Phlox?"

Doctor Phlox looked up from the microscope. Navta was standing by Nugget's cage, watching the chicken peck at the sawdust lining her cage.

"Yes?" he asked.

"Doctor Phlox, why does Nugget's make that sound?"

"I imagine because she's content."

"Are you sure?"

"No. I am not certain." Doctor Phlox turned back to the microscope.

"Oh," Navta paused. "Doctor Phlox?"

"Yes?"

"Do you think it's her way of talking?"

"I cannot say."

"Oh. Doctor Phlox?"

"Yes?"

"What do you think woulda happened if they'd crossed Varlikon DNA with chicken DNA?"

"I cannot say. We have not acquired the medical knowledge to experiment with that combination."

"Do you think it could have flown?"

Likos was sitting on the other side of the console working on a project of his own. "No," Likos replied.

"Why not?"

"Do you slither?" Likos asked her.

"Sometimes?"

"All the time? When you're not playing or going into Jefferies tubes?"

"I don't go into Jefferies tubes," Navta protested. "K'pan said I can't."

"And when has that stopped you before?" Likos looked at her.

Navta grinned, biting down on her bottom lip. She reached out and stuck her fingers through the wire on Nugget's cage, wiggling them at the chicken.

"Doctor Phlox?"

"Yes?"

"Why can't Nuggets or Porthos talk like you and me?"

"They don't have the vocal cords for it."

"Why is that?"

"I cannot say."

"Why can't you say?"

"I mean, I do not know."

"Oh." Navta turned her head to the side, watching Nuggets tap her fingers with her beak. "Doctor Phlo—"

"Navta," Doctor Phlox looked at her, "If you want to stay here and ask me questions, that is not a problem; however, you do not have to address me before each question. I am already aware of your presence and you have permission to ask a question each time."

"Oh." Navta smiled, blushing. "Sorry."

"That's quite alright. You were asking?"

Navta walked over to stand beside Doctor Phlox. "Do you think we'll ever go to Earth?"

"Mm. Someday."

"When?"

"I don't know. Why do you ask?"

"I like it on Enterprise."

Doctor Phlox smiled. "I'm rather partial of it myself."

Navta walked over to stand near Doctor Phlox. "Doctor Ph…can I give you a hug?"

Doctor Phlox looked at her. "Why?"

"You felt homesick just now. Like the other crewmen feel when they say they're homesick. I give them hugs and that always makes them feel better."

"You know that Denobulans don't like to be touched, Navta," Likos scolded her.

"Oh. Sorry, Doctor Phlox."

Doctor Phlox smiled. "But since you asked, I wouldn't mind."

"Really?" Navta smiled.

"Really."

Navta leaned close to him and gave him a quick hug.

"That's it?" Doctor Phlox asked.

"Well, Likos said—"

"Now I feel cheated," Doctor Phlox said. "I've seen you give much better hugs to Captain Archer, Lieutenant Commander Tucker and even T'Pol. I guess I'm not as well liked as they are."

Navta gave him a bear hug, laughing when he returned it.

"What do you know? I don't feel homesick anymore," Doctor Phlox said, looking down at her.

"I like you, Doctor Phlox. I like your smile."

Doctor Phlox gave her a full smile, chuckling when she giggled.

"Aren't you supposed to be walking Porthos about now?" Likos asked.

"OH!" Navta jumped back. "I have to go. Good-bye Doctor Phlox. Good-bye Likos." Navta raced out of Sickbay.

Likos looked at Doctor Phlox. "And here I was under the impression Denobulans don't like to be hugged at all. Strange, you felt happy to have her hug you."

Doctor Phlox smiled. "I think I'm adjusting to this very human behavior."

"It's a Jit behavior too, Doctor." Likos smiled.

"Perhaps it's becoming a Denobulan behavior too."

"Perhaps," Likos replied.

They returned to working silently on their research projects.


	6. Compromises

_Compromises (6)_

Malcolm sat the PADD in his hand aside and took another bite of his breakfast.

"What about this name for girl baby?" Sista asked, holding out another PADD to Malcolm

Malcolm glanced at it. "Sure."

Sista's lips tightened but Malcolm had already returned to his breakfast. Malcolm reached out to pick up his cup of tea and Sista shoved his hand down to the table. Malcolm looked at her.

"What?" Malcolm asked.

"You look. You say sure. You even know what I show you in last ten minutes?" Sista asked. Sista returned her hand to the PADD she was holding

Malcolm frowned at her. He could see a fight on the horizon and he really hated it when she started them around the crew. And right now the mess hall was packed with crew eating breakfast.

"I'm sorry," Malcolm said quietly. "Show them to me again."

"Why? You no look." Sista stared at the PADD in her hand with a hurt look.

Malcolm reached across the table, laying his hand on her wrist. Sista looked up at him with a hateful glare.

"Let me see," Malcolm held his hand out for the PADD.

"Lieutenant Reed, report to the armory," a voice said over the COM system.

Reed picked up Sista's hand and gently kissed her fingers. He was glad he'd managed to escape this moment of humiliation.

"See you tonight," Malcolm said as he stood.

"I sleep somewhere else," Sista growled in a low voice.

Malcolm looked down at her. He leaned on the table with one hand and rested his other hand on the back of her chair. Sista glared at him.

"Jon, Nathan, Edward, Tristan, Paul and Charles. And for the girls, names I can't pronounce," Malcolm whispered. He placed a light kiss on Sista's forehead. "Have a good day darling. I have cards tonight."

Sista watched him leave and then looked down at the PADD in her hand. It had a list of names that she had been trying to choose for their children for the last two weeks. Sista growled, tossing the PADD aside.

#

Malcolm sat his hand down. "Fold," he said with a sigh, looking up at Archer. They were the only two left playing poker.

Archer grinned, collecting the pile of toothpicks.

"Another hand?" Malcolm asked.

"Shouldn't you go home?" Archer asked.

Malcolm shook his head.

"Marital spat?" Archer joked.

Malcolm smiled, shrugging. "Not really."

"Deal another hand," Archer said.

Malcolm dealt them each five cards and they started another round.

"Then why are you dragging your feet about leaving…not that I mind."

Malcolm sighed. "Vardee's been trying to pick names for the babies for the last two weeks and I think I've seen every name in the database. No, two databases. She wants an Earth name for the boy and a Jit name for the girl." Malcolm tossed a card down and drew another card. "Card?"

"Yeah," Archer said. "And?"

Malcolm slid a card across the table to Archer. "Well, I just don't care! We have a while before they're born and even then I won't care. I just don't put much stock in a name. I don't care what they're named; I'll love them regardless. I keep telling her that."

"You should put stock in the names."

"Why's that?"

"There's a lot to a name."

Malcolm smiled. "You're siding with my wife while we're playing poker? Is that safe, Jon?"

Archer laughed. "Raising bet two. Card." Archer tossed a card down and picked up the one Malcolm slid to him.

Malcolm tossed two toothpicks on the pile and drew a card.

"So enlighten me, oracle," Malcolm said.

Archer laughed. He leaned back, looking at Malcolm. "My grandma got me into names. When I was young we'd look up the names of all my friends and I've watched many of them grow into the meaning of their names without even knowing it. "

"What does yours mean?"

Archer tossed two toothpicks on the pile. "Raising two. Deal me two. It means Jehovah's gift," Archer faked a 'Neanderthal' voice when he added,' "Trip's means strong. Manly."

Malcolm and Archer both chuckled.

"I don't put much stock into names," Malcolm reiterated. "I've never greatly appreciated mine."

"There was a Malcolm that was a king. And there was another that was a racecar driver. I don't know what that says about the name Malcolm. But you're about to have twins. Shouldn't you at least humor her on this?"

Malcolm smiled. "Raising five. Stand or fold?"

"Stand. Calling it."

Malcolm laid down his cards, a pair of twos and a pair of fours. Archer smiled, laying down his royal flush.

"I've not much luck tonight," Malcolm said.

Archer collected the pot. "Maybe next week."

Malcolm stood and collected his toothpicks. He looked at Archer, watching Archer putting his winnings into a small tin.

"Jon."

Archer looked up at Malcolm. "Yeah?"

"Thank you, Jon."

Archer smiled. "For what?"

Malcolm's smile was his only reply. Malcolm turned and left the captain's dining room. Archer shrugged, collected the deck of cards and headed for his quarters.

#

Sista sighed, opening her eyes.

"Lights," Sista ordered.

She rolled onto her back, laying her hand in the empty space on the bed where her husband slept. He was always gone before she woke; off to fix something, get an early start at work or exercise on his days off. Sista got up and walked into the living area. She stopped, staring at bouquet of flowers sitting on the table. Sista walked up to the table and picked them up. She looked down at the folded piece of paper on the table.

Sista picked it up and opened it, hearing Malcolm's voice as she read it: '_I'm sorry for not helping with picking our children's names. Tonight let's talk over dinner in our quarters. Pick up something from the mess hall. I'll love you always. Malcolm._'

Sista smiled, pressing the note to her lips.


	7. Wreaking Havoc

_Wreaking Havoc (7)_

Trip sighed, walking over to the terminal. He entered in his code and the computer suddenly went black, flashing in white letters 'Internal System Error.'

"No!" Trip said, smacking the monitor.

He tapped a button and the login screen came back up. He entered his code and it went back to the error message. Trip's eyes narrowed. He tapped a button again and turned.

"Jokra."

Jokra was working at another terminal and looked up at him.

"Come 'ere a second," Trip said.

Jokra walked over.

"Put your code in here," Trip motioned to the monitor.

Jokra entered his code and the computer came up.

"Hold on," Trip said. He logged Jokra out and tried his code again. The error message came up again.

"That can't be good," Jokra said.

"No. It can't be. Especially if my code's the only one that causes it," Trip smiled. "Thanks."

Trip left engineering and leisurely made his way up to the bridge and Archer's ready room. Archer greeted him with a smile.

"Morning, Trip."

"Hey. Can I check something on your computer?"

"Sure." Archer moved back for Trip.

Trip stepped in front and accessed a database separate from the engineering database. He entered his code and the error message came up.

"What did you do?" Archer asked.

Trip smiled, chuckling quietly. He reached over and pressed the companel.

"Trip to Ensign Fields," Trip said.

"Trip, if she—"

"Hold your horses, Jon," Trip said quietly.

"Fields here," Sherie said.

"Sherie, did you know that I cannot log into any computer on the ship today?"

"Really? Wonder why."

"I dunno. I was kinda wondering if you could tell me just how sever the problem is."

"Me?"

"Yes, Sherie, you," Archer said.

"Hold on," Sherie was silent for a few minutes. She came back. "Doesn't appear to be too serious. Nothing being damaged or anything. Should clear up in an hour or two."

Archer started to order her to fix it but Trip held up his hand.

"Thanks Sherie. In the mean time, go down to reclamation and start working on the compactor hydraulics."

"Sir?" Sherie asked with little enthusiasm.

"Yes?" Trip smiled.

"The…compactor…hydraulics?"

"You heard me correctly. Get down there."

Sherie sighed. "I could fix that problem right away."

"You could, but you're going to be working on the compactor hydraulics. Get moving, Ensign."

"Yes, sir."

Trip ended the communication and headed for the door.

"Trip."

"Yes, Cap'n?" Trip turned.

"She's messing with the computers."

"I know. And now she's messing with the compactor hydraulics."

Archer smiled. "The dirtiest and worst possible job on the ship. I have to say, you do a decent job of reprimanding."

"Breaks my heart, but I try," Trip smiled. "See ya at supper, Jon."

Archer laughed, watching him leave. He turned and tapped a key and the screen cleared, logging Trip's code onto the computer. Archer logged out, logged back in and went back to work.


	8. Masterminded Eccentric

_Masterminded Eccentric (8)_

Archer slowly looked up from the PADD in his hand as _Enterprise_ glided to a halt.

"Travis?" Archer asked.

"It wasn't me, sir!" Travis responded, lifting his hands away from the helm controls.

The companel on Archer's chair beeped. Archer turned, pushing the companel. "Archer."

"Uhm…we…we…yeah…we're having some problems down…go, Eddy…here," Trip said, sounding like he was being distracted. "Eddy, it's over there. Get going. I don't know what's up yet, Cap'n."

"Report back when you can give me an ETA."

"K. Trip out."

Archer sat back, picking the PADD up. He finished the report an hour later and still hadn't heard back from Trip.

"T'Pol, you have the bridge," Archer told her as he stood. "I'll be in engineering."

#

Engineering was a scene of chaos. Crewmen were running back and forth and there was a loud hum from the people talking. Archer spotted Trip standing on the platform at the front of the engine and walked up the stairs to join him.

"Anything?" Trip asked.

"What?" Archer asked.

"No, sir. We're still looking," a voice replied back on a companel in front of Trip.

"Find it, Eddy," Trip ordered.

"I'm trying, sir."

"What's going on?" Archer asked.

Trip pointed to a schematic on a console beside him. "We can't vent plasma from either warp or impulse. It's in here somewhere." Trip circled his finger over a schematic of the ship.

"Commander," Eddy said.

"Yeah?"

"Behind fire control door D12 I'm getting a reading of high ionized atmosphere. The door's hot to touch."

"Fire suppressants aren't reading anything."

"I think its plasma," another voice said on the companel.

"Shit," Trip muttered quiet enough the two men didn't hear him. Trip turned, stepping up next to the rail. "Marsha."

Below them Ensign McDowny turned away from what she was working on.

"Get all plasma and oxygen shut off. Hurry."

Ensign McDowny leapt to her feet and ran around the engine. Trip turned back to the controls and began to initiate a shutdown of the engine.

"Trip," Archer said, starting to get worried.

"Yeah?"

"If you shut down the engine it's going to take a day and a half to warm up."

"And if we don't shut 'em down, we could blow up the ship," Trip looked at Archer. "Wouldn't be much of a ship left when it was over, either, Cap'n. We don't know what's behind those fire doors and until we do I'm not risking it."

Archer leaned back against the railing. Trip knew the engine best and he had to trust him. Archer watched the engine consoles slowly grow dark as components and sections were shut off.

"The plasma and oxygen are shut off," Marsha reported.

"Good. Eddy," Trip said.

"Yeah?"

"Any change back there?"

"It's starting to lower in temperature and ion levels."

"Good. You wait for that door to open on its own."

"Yes sir."

"Got that, Ken?"

"Yes, sir," the other voice answered.

Trip finished shutting the engine down and leaned back against the railing. Archer noticed the room had become silent. He looked around, finding the engineering crew had stopped working and were watching Trip.

"Door's opening," Eddy said. "I'm moving on— Oh f… Frack!"

"What?"

"The walls are black, sir. It-OW! It's hot. Hold on."

"This side isn't damaged very bad," Ken said.

"Tell me what you find, you two."

Again they waited.

"I can't believe this," Archer and Trip heard Ken whisper. "Son of a buck!"

"What?"

"The stupid Turlom O-ring blew out and it took out two fulban rods. They are completely fried. They're just melted copper, silicon and dirilium."

Archer looked at Trip. He had his eyes closed.

"Same over here, sir," Eddy said. "There's a hole from the vent into the tunnel here. The fire in here took out some relays and a couple boards on the other side of the wall too."

"I have the engine shut down. Climb into the vents and tell me what it looks like ya guys."

"Sir," someone said below them.

"Yeah?" Trip asked without looking.

"Sir…did, uhm, did he say…the Turlom O-ring blew out…did he?"

"He did, Rueben."

"On both sides?"

"Yeah."

"Is he sure? I mean—"

Trip looked over the railing at Rueben. "Rueben…they're sure. It was the O-rings."

Rueben sank down to sit on a crate. Archer saw the rest of Trip's crew look nearly sick and even their whispering died off.

"What's wrong with that?" Archer asked Trip.

Trip looked at Archer. "We don't have any more Turlom O-rings, sir. Used the last one a month ago."

"Why didn't you get any at the last—"

"They didn't have any, Cap'n. I checked everywhere."

Archer turned, leaning on the rail.

"The vent on this side checks out okay except for that hole. We have the stuff to patch that up today," Eddy reported.

"Okay. Get back here."

A few minutes later Ken reported the same thing.

"Marsha," Trip turned to her.

"Yeah?" Marsha answered.

"Go wake up Ken Lowes and Stephanie. I need them down here right now."

Marsha nodded once as she turned away.

"Now what?" Archer asked.

"I'll get back to you on that," Trip said quietly to Archer and then spoke up so the rest of his crew could hear him, "I want everyone to get back to work for right now. There are still areas showing up with no power and malfunctions that need to be fixed. Once we have everyone here we'll put our heads together and figure out what our plan of attack on this is going to be." Trip looked down at Rueben. "Rueben." The man looked up at Trip. "Go back to checking the vent sensors, okay?"

Rueben nodded, obeying his order.

Trip rubbed his face.

"You'll come up with something. You and your crew always do," Archer said with an encouraging smile.

Trip dropped his hands, leaning back against the railing. "This is different."

"Why?"

"Those O-rings are supposed to withstand temperatures up to two thousand Celsius. To replace them, we have to have something that can withstand at least half of that because that's how hot it gets down there in that vent maintenance tube running at warp three and half impulse."

"How'd the plasma get hot enough to ignite, Trip?"

"I don't know. There was a fire but I don't know how it started."

"There was a fire? T'Pol didn't pick up anything."

Trip flashed a smile. "Good news. The fire suppression system on Enterprise works great." Trip looked at Archer. "There was a bonfire. One minute we were humming along great, the next Enterprise was venting fire."

"That's not right."

"Yeah. I know." Trip dropped his head, rubbing the back of his neck. "This stupid engine," Trip kicked the engine console, "It's been acting flaky for the last three days."

"T'Pol to Commander Tucker."

Trip reached out and pressed the companel. "Yeah?"

"I've scanned the ship and there are no hull breeches or otherwise irreparable damage."

"But?"

"Ten seconds before the ship stopped sensors read an anomaly. A sphere 1.25 meters in diameter registering over two hundred thousand volts of electricity passed through the hull of the ship, passing through both plasma vents and consequently igniting the plasma release.

Trip shook his head, "And here I thought St. Elmo's fire only existed on earth."

"St. Elmo's fire?" T'Pol asked.

"Never mind. Was it a weapon? Did someone fire it?"

"I cannot determine that, but from the random course it took through the ship, I feel it was not a weapon."

"Random how?"

"On entering it passed through starboard and the first plasma vent, it diverted course to pass through several quarters and the mess hall, exited the ship and re-entered through port side and exiting out the rear vent. The entire event took place in roughly one point six seconds."

"Was it sentient?" Archer asked.

"I am unable to determine that. Should it return, it may be likely."

"Let's hope it doesn't return."

"Sir," someone said.

Trip looked down. Marsha had returned with the two night shift engineers. "Thanks T'Pol. Trip out." Trip closed the companel. "Everybody over here," Trip said and then walked down the stairs. He sat down on the second to bottom step, waiting for the crew to gather around.

"I know you're all tired and it's been a long three days, but we have to figure something out here," Trip said. "We don't have any more Turlom O-rings and we're going to have to figure out something to get us to the next port at least."

"The Diedra could tow Enterprise," Drista suggested.

Trip sighed. "Only problem with that, Drista, is that the Diedra could only go at impulse and it would take us six months to get to the nearest port."

"Couldn't we start in that direction for now?" Archer asked.

Trip looked up at him. "We could I guess. You wanna do that?"

"Sounds better than being adrift."

Trip turned to Drista. "Go get Vardee, Drista."

Drista pushed through crew and ran out of engineering.

"That still leaves us with the problem of the O-rings, guys," Trip continued. "I don't want to be towed for six months to a port. Do any of you?"

A unison 'no' answered him.

"Then we have to come up with something."

Trip stopped talking, waiting for someone to talk.

"Come on guys," Trip urged.

Ken who worked the nightshift yawned. Trip looked around at the tired faces surrounding him and knew he had a problem. They had been working overtime to try to fix the gremlins that suddenly cropped up three days ago and they were all exhausted. Trip looked down, thinking. He rose to his feet, making the group look up at him.

"Okay, here's what's going to happen," Trip looked up at his crew. "All of you are going to turn around and leave engineering. Go take a nap, read a book, do whatever. I don't want to see a single face in this room for the rest of today and tomorrow. But there is one thing you have to do for me in exchange for a day and a half off. For today, I don't want any of you to try to come up with anything. If you do, wonderful. Tomorrow, however, I don't want to see any one of you without a PADD and stylus in hand. The second you come up with an idea, no matter how farfetched or unworkable it may seem, you write it down. Stop whatever your doing and write it down. Day after tomorrow we're going to meet in storage room B-2 at oh-eight-hundred sharp. Bring your breakfast and your ideas when you come. Understood?"

Trip's crew nodded.

"Good. Dismissed."

No one moved.

"Are you sure…about this?" one of the crew asked.

"Positive."

They looked at one another and then left engineering. Trip sank down onto the step, sighing.

Archer walked down to sit on the step next to Trip. "Trip."

"Hm?"

"You just sent your crew home and we're adrift."

"Mm-hm."

"Trip."

"Hm?"

Why?"

Trip leaned against the railing. "Because they're beat. They aren't going to come up with anything right now any more than I am."

Archer cleared his throat. He looked at Trip. "Trip?"

"Yeah?" Trip looked at Archer.

"I have to say, this is a unique way of confronting the problem and managing your crew. I wouldn't recommend it."

Trip smiled. "Yeah, but you know we'll fix it if you trust me, Cap'n."

Archer sighed. "I'm coming to that meeting, you know."

"Don't forget the muffins."

Archer laughed. The two looked at the door when it opened. Drista and Vardee walked in. Drista looked around the empty room.

"We need a tow," Trip told Vardee. "Can we call you for road side assistance?"

"What?" Vardee asked.

Trip and Archer chuckled.

"We were attacked by a ball of energy and it wreaked havoc on the engine and blew out a part that we have to have to make the ship go. Currently we are adrift, so could you start towing us to the nearest port?"

"That'll take six month!"

"Well then, you'd better be saying good things about my crew so they can fix the engine before we get to that port." Trip smiled at her.

Vardee smiled. "Very well. Should Drista stay?"

"Naw. She's off the hook this time. She came up with the first idea. Besides, you might need her."

"Okay. We'll go launch and start toward the port." Sista turned, motioning Drista to follow.

Trip sighed, leaning back on the steps. "I'm going to go take a nap and when I wake up, I'll have an epiphany!" Trip got to his feet, looking down at Archer, "Or just be craving a nice big steak and potato."

"Oh no. You have reports to finish. You're part of _my_ crew."

Trip snapped his finger. "Always ruining my fun. I'll be in my quarters if you need me." Trip headed for the door.

"And what's the chances of that with a dead engine, Trip?"

Trip stopped in the door. "Hey. Maybe if you start wishful thinking the engine will magically repair itself. Or maybe you can dig up Frosty's hat and slap it up there. What'd'ya think?"

"Go take a nap!" Archer ordered.

Archer smiled when Trip started laughing.

#

Archer reached out and plucked up a baseball sitting on his desk. He tossed it up, watching it and catching it.

"Computer start log. Date October 21, 2157," Archer said. He began tossing the baseball from hand to hand as he paced his quarters. "I thought my senior engineer was being eccentric when he ordered his crew to take leave for a day and a half. I almost countermanded the order, but I decided I'd wait this one out and see where it took us. It took us to a warp and impulse engine running again." Archer smiled, easing back into a chair. "If I were an engineer, I suppose I could understand what it was exactly that they did, but for now, I'll just leave it to this: When I was sitting in this meeting, listening to these engineers firing out ideas and eventually ironing out a working plan, I thought about a scene in that movie about the 1960 Apollo 13 mission. The NASA engineers had to find a way to make a square air filter fit in a round hole and fast. What they came up with looked strange, but it worked. What my engineering team developed was also strange looking, but it worked. We have to stay at warp two, but at least we'll see port in a month and not six. For this day the battle of man versus machine goes to my engineering crew and they masterminded eccentric leader. Computer, end log."

Archer leaned back, tossing the baseball up in the air and catching it. He smiled, stood up and left his quarters to join Trip for supper.

Touché (9)

"Sir, I'm picking up a message. It sounds like it's a repeating signal," Hoshi reported.

"Translate it," Archer said, looking up at Hoshi.

"Yes, sir."

There was a pause of silence.

"Well?" Archer asked.

"It's a new language. Give me a couple of minutes," Hoshi answered.

A mischievous grin crept onto Archer's lips.

"Got it yet?" Archer asked.

"No, sir."

Archer leaned to the side. He crossed one leg over the other and looked at Hoshi's back.

"Got it yet?"

"No, sir. It's going to take me a few minutes," Hoshi explained.

Trip looked up from his station. Archer's grin made Trip smile. Trip leaned on his console, waiting to see what Archer was up to.

"Got it yet, Hoshi?" Archer asked.

Hoshi sighed. "No, sir. Not yet."

Archer nodded. He looked at Trip. Trip silently chuckled. Archer looked back at Hoshi.

"Hoshi, do ya got it yet?"

Hoshi looked up and back at Archer. Her eyes narrowed when she saw Archer's grin.

"No. Sir." Hoshi turned back to her work.

Archer inhaled and exhaled a deep breath. "Got it yet, Hoshi?"

"No. And we're not stopping for a restroom break _either_, SIR!"

Travis, Malcolm and T'Pol looked up at Hoshi in surprise. Trip muffled a snicker.

Archer grinned. "Uhm, Hoshi, do you got—"

"If you ask me one more time, I will turn this ship around and we will go home, young man!" Hoshi shot back, forcing back a smile.

"But mooooOOOOOooom!" Archer whined.

Travis, Trip and Malcolm snickered.

"Play with your reports and let me finish this, Captain," Hoshi said.

Archer reached forward and shook Travis's chair.

"HEY!" Travis cried out. "MOM! The captain's bothering my steering!"

"Captain, stop antagonizing your younger crewmen. Travis, ignore him and go back to flying the ship." Hoshi had to fight to keep a straight face.

Travis started laughing, leaning back in his chair.

Archer sighed and began bouncing his foot impatiently.

"Got it ye—"

"That's it!" Hoshi spun her chair around, looking at Travis. "Travis, pull this ship over this instant. The captain and I are going to have a conversation about his behavior!"

Travis burst out laughing, sliding a little lower into his seat as he laughed.

"Mom…the younger crewman isn't pulling over." Archer pointed to his hysterical helmsman. "I think he's asphyxiating. No human can laugh like that and live."

Malcolm and Trip burst into howling laughter. Hoshi put her head on her console, erupting in gut wrenching laughed. Archer simply grinned. T'Pol watched the scene with silent interest, returning Archer's gaze when he glanced in her direction. Hoshi slowly regained her composure and returned to translating the message.

"Oh no," Hoshi said, suddenly serious.

The laughter died quickly.

"What?" Archer asked.

"You're not going to like this message, sir," Hoshi said.

"That bad?" Travis asked Hoshi.

"It's pretty bad, sir." Hoshi looked at Archer. "Really bad, actually."

Archer stood and walked to the end of helm. He leaned on it, staring at the view screen. "Is there a visual?"

"Yes, sir."

"On screen."

A man appeared on the screen. "Welcome to Harnud's Mercantile," the man said.

Hoshi and the men started laughing again.

"You were right, Hoshi. I'm not liking this," Archer laughed.

"We've traveled a couple thousand light years to intercept a television commercial!" Trip laughed. "Cap'n, say it ain't so!"

"…Barter, bargain, trade, buy and sell," the alien continued, "Bring me your junk, I'll sell you treasures!"

"We should check it out," Travis urged. "Some of these space merchants actually have useful items, sir."

Archer shrugged. "I guess we could."

"There are coordinates encrypted in the message," Hoshi said.

"Lay in a course, Travis. T'Pol, put together a list of things we have to sell, barter, bargain or trade with." Archer glanced back at T'Pol.

"Yes, sir," T'Pol replied.

Archer looked back at the screen, adding, "Don't forget to add Nuggets." Archer started laughing again. "The chicken."

Something hit Archer on the back of the head and he looked back at Trip. Trip was glowering at him. Archer looked down at the rag Trip had thrown at him and picked it up. He walked over to Trip, handing back the rag.

"Whaaaat?" Archer grinned. "Would you miss Nuggets, Trip?"

"I know Doctor Phlox would," Trip said.

"But would _you_?" Archer jabbed.

Hoshi and Malcolm snickered.

Trip smiled a cool smile. He leaned forward on his console so he was eye to eye with Archer. "Yeah I would. But not as much as you probably miss that Diblian woman back on Ursal Minor."

Archer grinned. "Touché, Trip! You have outwitted your captain. I am impressed!" Archer turned, looking at the bridge crew. "Aren't you four impressed?"

T'Pol didn't answer yes when the other three did.

"Aren't you impressed, T'Pol?" Travis asked, looking back at her.

T'Pol looked directly at Archer. "I do not understand why this behavior is amusing to you."

"This behavior is called teasing, T'Pol," Archer said. "You've seen it a thousand times.

"It's in text books all over Earth," Malcolm commented.

"And we do a great job of it too," Trip grinned, reaching out and ruffling Archer's hair.

Archer ducked his head away. "I was wondering what I was going to do with my hair today."

"It looks great, sir," Travis said. "Especially with that little bit sticking up in the back there." Travis showed Archer where the hair sticking up was with his finger against the back of his head

"Sort of an Alfa-Alfa look with that little spike sticking up here in the back." Trip reached out and tapped his hand against the spike of hair sticking straight up on Archer's head.

"Hey, we can't get rid of Nuggets, sir." Travis grinned. "She's a goddess on some planets!"

All but T'Pol erupted into a fit of laughter again. Archer recovered enough to walk to his chair and sit down. His laughter slowly ebbed and he was able to sit up straight.

Archer reached up and ran one hand through his hair. "Strike the chicken from the list, T'Pol. We can always use a deity aboard."

"Aye, Captain."

Archer sat back, listening to Travis, Trip, Malcolm and Hoshi gossip and laugh when they exchanged jokes.


	9. Touche

_Touché (9)_

"Sir, I'm picking up a message. It sounds like it's a repeating signal," Hoshi reported.

"Translate it," Archer said, looking up at Hoshi.

"Yes, sir."

There was a pause of silence.

"Well?" Archer asked.

"It's a new language. Give me a couple of minutes," Hoshi answered.

A mischievous grin crept onto Archer's lips.

"Got it yet?" Archer asked.

"No, sir."

Archer leaned to the side. He crossed one leg over the other and looked at Hoshi's back.

"Got it yet?"

"No, sir. It's going to take me a few minutes," Hoshi explained.

Trip looked up from his station. Archer's grin made Trip smile. Trip leaned on his console, waiting to see what Archer was up to.

"Got it yet, Hoshi?" Archer asked.

Hoshi sighed. "No, sir. Not yet."

Archer nodded. He looked at Trip. Trip silently chuckled. Archer looked back at Hoshi.

"Hoshi, do ya got it yet?"

Hoshi looked up and back at Archer. Her eyes narrowed when she saw Archer's grin.

"No. Sir." Hoshi turned back to her work.

Archer inhaled and exhaled a deep breath. "Got it yet, Hoshi?"

"No. And we're not stopping for a restroom break _either_, SIR!"

Travis, Malcolm and T'Pol looked up at Hoshi in surprise. Trip muffled a snicker.

Archer grinned. "Uhm, Hoshi, do you got—"

"If you ask me one more time, I will turn this ship around and we will go home, young man!" Hoshi shot back, forcing back a smile.

"But mooooOOOOOooom!" Archer whined.

Travis, Trip and Malcolm snickered.

"Play with your reports and let me finish this, Captain," Hoshi said.

Archer reached forward and shook Travis's chair.

"HEY!" Travis cried out. "MOM! The captain's bothering my steering!"

"Captain, stop antagonizing your younger crewmen. Travis, ignore him and go back to flying the ship." Hoshi had to fight to keep a straight face.

Travis started laughing, leaning back in his chair.

Archer sighed and began bouncing his foot impatiently.

"Got it ye—"

"That's it!" Hoshi spun her chair around, looking at Travis. "Travis, pull this ship over this instant. The captain and I are going to have a conversation about his behavior!"

Travis burst out laughing, sliding a little lower into his seat as he laughed.

"Mom…the younger crewman isn't pulling over." Archer pointed to his hysterical helmsman. "I think he's asphyxiating. No human can laugh like that and live."

Malcolm and Trip burst into howling laughter. Hoshi put her head on her console, erupting in gut wrenching laughed. Archer simply grinned. T'Pol watched the scene with silent interest, returning Archer's gaze when he glanced in her direction. Hoshi slowly regained her composure and returned to translating the message.

"Oh no," Hoshi said, suddenly serious.

The laughter died quickly.

"What?" Archer asked.

"You're not going to like this message, sir," Hoshi said.

"That bad?" Travis asked Hoshi.

"It's pretty bad, sir." Hoshi looked at Archer. "Really bad, actually."

Archer stood and walked to the end of helm. He leaned on it, staring at the view screen. "Is there a visual?"

"Yes, sir."

"On screen."

A man appeared on the screen. "Welcome to Harnud's Mercantile," the man said.

Hoshi and the men started laughing again.

"You were right, Hoshi. I'm not liking this," Archer laughed.

"We've traveled a couple thousand light years to intercept a television commercial!" Trip laughed. "Cap'n, say it ain't so!"

"…Barter, bargain, trade, buy and sell," the alien continued, "Bring me your junk, I'll sell you treasures!"

"We should check it out," Travis urged. "Some of these space merchants actually have useful items, sir."

Archer shrugged. "I guess we could."

"There are coordinates encrypted in the message," Hoshi said.

"Lay in a course, Travis. T'Pol, put together a list of things we have to sell, barter, bargain or trade with." Archer glanced back at T'Pol.

"Yes, sir," T'Pol replied.

Archer looked back at the screen, adding, "Don't forget to add Nuggets." Archer started laughing again. "The chicken."

Something hit Archer on the back of the head and he looked back at Trip. Trip was glowering at him. Archer looked down at the rag Trip had thrown at him and picked it up. He walked over to Trip, handing back the rag.

"Whaaaat?" Archer grinned. "Would you miss Nuggets, Trip?"

"I know Doctor Phlox would," Trip said.

"But would _you_?" Archer jabbed.

Hoshi and Malcolm snickered.

Trip smiled a cool smile. He leaned forward on his console so he was eye to eye with Archer. "Yeah I would. But not as much as you probably miss that Diblian woman back on Ursal Minor."

Archer grinned. "Touché, Trip! You have outwitted your captain. I am impressed!" Archer turned, looking at the bridge crew. "Aren't you four impressed?"

T'Pol didn't answer yes when the other three did.

"Aren't you impressed, T'Pol?" Travis asked, looking back at her.

T'Pol looked directly at Archer. "I do not understand why this behavior is amusing to you."

"This behavior is called teasing, T'Pol," Archer said. "You've seen it a thousand times.

"It's in text books all over Earth," Malcolm commented.

"And we do a great job of it too," Trip grinned, reaching out and ruffling Archer's hair.

Archer ducked his head away. "I was wondering what I was going to do with my hair today."

"It looks great, sir," Travis said. "Especially with that little bit sticking up in the back there." Travis showed Archer where the hair sticking up was with his finger against the back of his head

"Sort of an Alfa-Alfa look with that little spike sticking up here in the back." Trip reached out and tapped his hand against the spike of hair sticking straight up on Archer's head.

"Hey, we can't get rid of Nuggets, sir." Travis grinned. "She's a goddess on some planets!"

All but T'Pol erupted into a fit of laughter again. Archer recovered enough to walk to his chair and sit down. His laughter slowly ebbed and he was able to sit up straight.

Archer reached up and ran one hand through his hair. "Strike the chicken from the list, T'Pol. We can always use a deity aboard."

"Aye, Captain."

Archer sat back, listening to Travis, Trip, Malcolm and Hoshi gossip and laugh when they exchanged jokes.


End file.
